Why Would He DO This (hint: check to see if his pants are on fire…)

Today, we’ve got a reader named Roxanne, who is dealing with a man who is…well, he’s something less than Cyrano, here. We’ve got a guy who’s here, he’s gone, he’s back, he’s gone. What is going on here? Read on to find out:

About a year ago, this boyfriend i will call Edward, who i thought i loved more than life itself, and i broke up. He told me it wasn’t for another girl, he needed to remain celibate like Jesus wanted him to. And he didn’t even have the balls to break up with me to my face. He left a letter laying on the porch of my house breaking up with me.

Now, already we’re in the realm of serious bullsquish, as my friend Darrin likes to say. I’ll explain why I think that below.

Not even a week after we break up, i was informed by his best friend that he had been asking a girl out but to no avail. Then, a week after that, he had a new girlfriend and then in October of 2007, they were engaged, for about two months.

Ok, evidently I don’t NEED to explain why I think that. It’s already true. Well, either that, or I for one am shocked that Jesus found a girl for him so quickly. Boy, that guy really does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? Pff. “Celibate like Jesus”, indeed.

On christmas day, he comes to my house telling me how much he missed me and my hopes were up really high. I really thought we were going to get back together.

Ok, now I’m really starting to dislike this man.

One of my friends who is also friends with him said that we had a really, really good chance.

And truthfully, I’m not too wild about this friend, either.

He held some sort of party at his house one night beginning of this month. He had sex with this random girl attending his party and they are now dating.

Wow, that Jesus guy is really looking out for this dude.

All my hopes are once again shot to hell.

This is the best news so far, seriously. This is not a man to hope for.

From Christmas until like two days before this party, we were doing fine. I felt like we were so close to getting back together.

No, I must respectfully disagree. You weren’t doing “fine.” This guy doesn’t have a “fine” in him, I’m sorry to report.

And i can’t even get a reason or a motive from him for why! I have tried to call him and his new girlfriend,

Yikes!

who my friend has told me is nothing but a whore, has kindly asked me to leave him alone and let him be because he is a nice guy and deserves that. But, my friend thinks that Edward put his new girlfriend up to that because that’s not the type of person she is.

Wait…so, she’s nothing but a whore, but she’s not the kind of person who would…ask you to leave her man alone? I’m not totally following your friend’s description of her. And again, if it’s the same friend as above? Not helpful, there, friend.

Help me please! Explain to me why he did this, since i am not going to get an explanation from him!

Dear Roxanne,

We regret to inform you that you fell in love with a douchebag. I’m so sorry that this guy got his hooks into you as deeply as he seemed to. And I think that the main reason that you’re having problems with seems to be that he refuses to tell you WHY. Well, I come bearing good(ish) news. It is virtually never a mystery why someone would dump you. Certainly not in this case.

PROCLAMATION ON BREAKING UP

In fact, I’m going to make a ruling from here on out, forever and ever, on ALL breakups. Ready? Ok. All breakups are for the same core reason. The person doesn’t want to be with you as much as they want to be separate from you. There is no hidden meaning. That IS the meaning. All the meaning you need anyway.

Oh, and whenever anyone offers any reason at all for a breakup (cough…celibatelikejesus…cough), just try to ignore it. This goes for men and women. Doesn’t matter why. They’re breaking up. Any reason or justification they might give is just lube to help slide them out the door. (Or off the porch, in this case.)

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE

Now, does this make it any easier to deal with a broken heart? I don’t know. But from personal experience, I can tell you this much — hope is the LAST thing you want to nurture in yourself here. Hoping that you’re going to get back together is just going to make you nuts. Here’s the timeline:

He broke up via letter, citing a need to be like Jesus. Seriously.
A week later, he was asking out another girl (presumably not Jesus.)
Soon after, he was engaged to another woman for a couple months.
Soon after THAT, he tries to get back together
And he nails some random girl at a party, who he is now dating.
Oh, and when you called her (again, Yikes) she told you to leave him alone, which your friend seems to think HE put her up to. As in, he wanted her to get rid of you for him.

I don’t think I left anything out, did I? This is not a hopeful situation. This is a blessing, and not even in disguise. I think we can honestly say that breaking up with you was one of the top 5 nicest things that this guy will ever do. Well, unless he rubs his crotch on some poison oak or something. That’d be nice of him, I think, if only for the joy it would bring to the world.

Good luck, Roxanne. I know (belieeeeeve me, I know) what it is to get all twisted up inside over someone who treats you like a puppy treats the newspaper. And I’m so sorry for how crappy it feels, no pun intended. But don’t ask why. Git while the gittin’s good.

Oh, ladies? Does Roxanne need to know why? Do we ever? What’s going on, hey?

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Last updated 4 years ago