Craigslist All The Way
I’m not sure that email contained any question, at all. I’m not even sure I understand what she wants, whether to be chased, or to completely move on (since she is insecure, he’s been in an on and off relationship and he’s inconsistent).
But since today’s post is about “the chase”, I shall comment on this. Your post contains, in my view, the most important thing to be said about “the chase.” I quote from you:
“Here’s the thing about the chase. It might work in one sense. It might actually make him pursue you. But the only kind of guy that will consistently chase when you run is the one who considers you prey. A player.”
Right on. This couldn’t be any truer. I have seen this in real life, in some people, and my experience on this is that the one thing the people who follow this strategy have in common is that they are people who care very little about others. Seriously.
OK, this might not be true in ALL cases, but I think it is true in A LOT of cases.
Here’s an anecdote: I tell a friend in a party that I think his best friend is interested in me. He replies: “Play hard, make him suffer.” Is this something one would seriously advice to be done on his best pal?
I really don’t get it. No love relationship will ever work without reciprocal concern for each others, reciprocal love. Thus, to play hard to get, so that the other wants to pursue you more seems to me like completely the wrong way to start.
I think this reader’s question might have been something like “Is he interested?”
I think the short answer is that he might be slightly interested, but more certainly not sufficiently interested, for he’s made no movement in three years, and indeed, he has been involved with someone during that time. I would move on.
I’m taking it that Jan is insecure (as every woman in the world is) and wants to know if this guy is interested–but the catch seems to be that he’s only “interested” when she’s avoiding him. First of all, ALL women are insecure, Jan. I realize you feel conspicuous and insecure due to a disability that you mentioned. But PLEASE trust in the fact that ALL women feel insecure; it’s just a matter of how they handle it and how they are able to project confidence. No matter how attractive they are. I used to think that all I had going for me was my brain. So I projected a strong sense of confidence (which is a big turn-on to men) and I received at most times more attention than the women I felt intimidated by. And because of this, it was the “right” sort of attention. That said, Jeff is right again…you don’t need or want a guy whom only pays you attention when you ignore him. This to me would be a game and a waste of time. Jeff is correct–he’s either a player…or very strange. This guy might only consider you a friendly co-worker he likes very much. I say this because I’ve watched my own boyfriend’s behavior. And my brother’s. When they work with people, they like to have a good relationship with all of them. Male or female. My boyfriend and brother have even come to me saying, “Soinso hasn’t spoken to me in a week. I wonder if soinso is upset with something.” I always advise them to be nice to Soinso at work. Could it be possible that you misinterpreted his attentions as something other than friendly office behavior? Because believe me, it can sometimes be difficult to tell between the two. Be careful also dating in the workplace. If you think this is stressful, you won’t believe how stressful it is to actually date someone you work with!? Good luck!
I agree with Mar. If the guy were really interested he has had 3 yrs. to make a move. Obviously HE isn’t that shy, since he has a girlfriend, albeit an on and off one. I think a more likely scenario is that he enjoys flirting with Jan, and when she pulls back, he steps it up. He may not even realize he does this. Jeff’s done some other posts on working place flirting–check those out.
Also Jan, I agree with Jeff that if you want to see if something might happen with this guy, taking the direct approach (of say…asking him to go someplace with you) would seem to prove more effective than avoiding him. But think about this: even if he is interested, do you want someone who has an on and off girlfriend? That’s pretty mucky territory. How do you know he might date you briefly only to go back to her because he isn’t quite done with that relationship yet? Ugh. It’s better to date someone who is definetly over their last relationship–so that’s a question to get out of the way before proceeding in any case.
As far as changing your schedule, I don’t really see a downside. Maybe it would cause him to um, ‘get off the pot’ and ask you out. And if he doesn’t, (because he never really was interested, just liked to flirt, or still into his off/on gf) then at least you won’t have to be around him and might get over you feelings for him quicker. I’d be tempted to do it just for that reason myself.
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