Getting Past the First Date
This is the second in a series of blog posts by our featured life coach Donna Barnes. She is incredibly supportive, positive, and honest. She is a Certified Life Coach, Dating & Relationship
Do you get a lot of first dates, but not many second dates? I hear that all the time. Even when you thought it went really well, you’re still left alone; and it’s frustrating. Well, scientists are still trying to figure out what creates chemistry. But as a dating coach I can tell you that good connections start with good choices.
Women are commonly attracted to bad boys. And while dysfunctional girls don’t have as catchy of a label, men are often fascinated by them too. Why? Basically it has to do with how much (or little) you value yourself. But here are a few factors that contribute:
Qualities we feel are deficit in ourselves we find attractive in others. For example, if you’re a good person that follows the rules, then a rebel personality becomes captivating. Or stated differently, you just don’t have a lot of self-confidence, so that self-assured individual feels like an aphrodisiac. But self-confidence and self-esteem are two different things. And frequently: that “bad boy” confidence is covering up for low self-esteem. Don’t fall for it.
Healthy boundaries aren’t emphasized enough. Having healthy boundaries means knowing your inner feelings, wants, needs and limits; and fulfilling and enforcing them without hurting others. You have to know what your boundaries are and put them first, no matter how sexy the other person appears. If you truly respect yourself your personal bar for what’s acceptable will be set higher.
You’re trying to heal your childhood wounds. As adults we subconsciously choose partners who have the same characteristics of the parent or guardian we have unresolved issues with. But unless you’re both willing to work on it the relationship will fail. So it’s better if you can recognize your pattern and choose a different kind of companion.
You’re subconsciously scared of commitment and you are only attracted to someone if you see a clear path of escape. You expect the bad boy to leave or you know you won’t be able to show him to your parents anyway… so there’s no fear of the long-term future.
You love to feel needed and can’t resist someone who you think you can “fix”. But you’d be better off with an equal. You’re supposed to be a partner not a caretaker.
If you just don’t find anyone appealing your boundaries may be overdeveloped. Make sure your requirement list is realistic. If not, that’s a commitment issue. No one is perfect, so if that’s what you’re searching for you’ll never be able to find it.
Like attracts like. You’ll hear me say that often. Superficially opposites attract, but at your core, commonality is most compelling. If healthy choices aren’t alluring to you then you probably need to do some growing. And if they are attractive but you can’t get them, then you need to figure out what red flags you’re waving. The easiest way to do that would be to ask a potential partner. But since I don’t recommend you actually do that, we here on Sparkology are going to try to do that for you through our Date Feedback feature and partner dating coaches. And in the meantime, I’ll write my next posting about red flags you’ll want to avoid.
In closing, be careful what you wish for. Dating is only hard when you pick the wrong people. When you pick the right partner, dating becomes surprisingly easy.
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